My 'I Get It' Project
7 Principles to Always Remember in Parenting
(Taken from Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn)
TALK LESS - ASK MORE (pg. 127)
For
parents, this technique is something that, a lot of times, prevents immediate
reactions and judgements. For example, a parent who sees their teenage daughter
coming home, walking up to the door along side a cop… Alright, so the parent can do one of
two things. They can immediately assume that their daughter broke some sort of
law and got caught for it. In which case they would probably ground the girl on
the spot and send her to her room... OR, after the cop leaves, the parent can sit down and
actually ASK what happened. By making the conscious effort to ask, we are, in
all honesty, acting like adults. Asking helps us calm down. It helps us sees
other sides to things we may not be able to see right away. So in the story of teenage girl, if the parent would just ask, they might find out that there’s
so much more to the story than what it looks like at the moment.
In terms of the gospel, We come to our Heavenly Father in prayer and with questions when we want results. We are on a whole other level of showing completely showing respect and humility when we have the right intent when we ask. If we ask our kids more questions, they will see it as more respect and more personal interest and more of a connection than anything else. Through questions we find out more about them and their lives. We can relate more. Any way you look at it, it is a good thing to ask more than you talk. Because honestly, you don't know everything.
In terms of the gospel, We come to our Heavenly Father in prayer and with questions when we want results. We are on a whole other level of showing completely showing respect and humility when we have the right intent when we ask. If we ask our kids more questions, they will see it as more respect and more personal interest and more of a connection than anything else. Through questions we find out more about them and their lives. We can relate more. Any way you look at it, it is a good thing to ask more than you talk. Because honestly, you don't know everything.
Keep Your Eye on Your Long Term Goals (pg. 122)
_
A lot of parents become fixated on the moment and what their
kid is doing RIGHT THEN. They might punish their child or reprimand them for
drawing on the walls at age 3 and honestly it would be hard not to be angry. But the idea here is how you should be using that frustration. Are you going to automatically scream and grab your kid's arm pulling him closer to spank him? Or will you refrain from scaring your child and calmly handle the situation? Right now you would probably say that you'd handle the situation calmly, but I know that in reality, it's a much easier thing said than done. Just think about it though... If the
parent were to take a step back and think, “Is my reaction going to sever my
relationship with my child?” – “How will my lashing out at him now, affect him
down the road?” This kind of thinking requires the parent to calm down and
allows for a better and clearer perspective. They may or may not still punish
the child in some way, but it won’t be nearly as bad as it would have
been initially. Hopefully however, the parent sees this as a time for
discipline as opposed to a time for punishment. The discipline would allow the
child to learn more, and the punishment would more than likely make the child
feel incredible guild or shame. The discipline should be age-appropriate as well. You probably don't need to give your three year old a 30 min lecture on how to use coloring utensils properly.
When we take things into an eternal perspective and when we see our children as people instead of kids making mistakes, we react differently. Looking at things from a distance really makes us see what we truly want. Not what we want in the moment, but what we want for the betterment of our child.
In the church, our Heavenly Father wants nothing BUT the best for us. He is ALWAYS looking at things from a long-term perspective, because He can comprehend eternity. He understands why we might ask for something in the moment and why we think we need it, but WE need to understand that he could say no. We need to understand that our Heavenly Father actually sees ahead when we don't and He absolutely knows what would be better for us. We just need to have patience like He has. And like Him, we need to keep in mind the long-term perspective.
When we take things into an eternal perspective and when we see our children as people instead of kids making mistakes, we react differently. Looking at things from a distance really makes us see what we truly want. Not what we want in the moment, but what we want for the betterment of our child.
In the church, our Heavenly Father wants nothing BUT the best for us. He is ALWAYS looking at things from a long-term perspective, because He can comprehend eternity. He understands why we might ask for something in the moment and why we think we need it, but WE need to understand that he could say no. We need to understand that our Heavenly Father actually sees ahead when we don't and He absolutely knows what would be better for us. We just need to have patience like He has. And like Him, we need to keep in mind the long-term perspective.
Withholding Love (pg. 29)
_
According to Kohn, this is a term referring to ‘deliberately
ignoring a child or enforcing a separation’.
We see this, often times, in time-outs, and in other forms of punishment. Kohn’s point is that it is actually a very NEGATIVE thing. We may not realize it, but our child will see our leaving or our ignoring as an actual punishment in itself but ten-times worse than anything else. They see us 'withholding our love' from them. The only reason this would be worse is because when one withholds love, it's manipulative and scary for the kid. And if the parent were to do it to their child, the kid now has the chance to question the validity of the parent as a loving caregiver. It's almost as if the parent is giving them permission to develop trust issues between Mom or Dad.
In the gospel God never withholds His love from us. He has given us the Spirit and he is constantly helping us out and guiding and directing us. In fact, the only way that we can lose the spirit and the only way we can become distant with Him is by the choices that WE make. It is our own fault if we don’t feel God’s love, because we are the one’s pushing ourselves away because of our decisions.
Let us emulate God in this way. It's a new way to think of it, but if we acted like our Heavenly Father, (in the sense that we never withhold love), our kids will always have a reason to trust us. Our kids will always be able to come back to us for help even when they, themselves, screwed up.
Now, I'm not saying parents should be more permissive. It's just that there is a BIG difference between walking away or ignoring a child as a punishment, and disciplining with care and understanding to help guide the child to be better. Think about it.
We see this, often times, in time-outs, and in other forms of punishment. Kohn’s point is that it is actually a very NEGATIVE thing. We may not realize it, but our child will see our leaving or our ignoring as an actual punishment in itself but ten-times worse than anything else. They see us 'withholding our love' from them. The only reason this would be worse is because when one withholds love, it's manipulative and scary for the kid. And if the parent were to do it to their child, the kid now has the chance to question the validity of the parent as a loving caregiver. It's almost as if the parent is giving them permission to develop trust issues between Mom or Dad.
In the gospel God never withholds His love from us. He has given us the Spirit and he is constantly helping us out and guiding and directing us. In fact, the only way that we can lose the spirit and the only way we can become distant with Him is by the choices that WE make. It is our own fault if we don’t feel God’s love, because we are the one’s pushing ourselves away because of our decisions.
Let us emulate God in this way. It's a new way to think of it, but if we acted like our Heavenly Father, (in the sense that we never withhold love), our kids will always have a reason to trust us. Our kids will always be able to come back to us for help even when they, themselves, screwed up.
Now, I'm not saying parents should be more permissive. It's just that there is a BIG difference between walking away or ignoring a child as a punishment, and disciplining with care and understanding to help guide the child to be better. Think about it.
Controlling
This isn't an actual 'topic' laid out in Kohn's book, however it is mentioned throughout the book so often that I felt it was valid.
The idea, really, is that control is what every parent wants. Every parent wants to be able to control there kids to a point where they don't throw tantrums in the grocery store or where they say, "please" and "thank you" whenever necessary. This is not a bad thing to desire. The only problem, is at what price the control costs and what it takes away from the relationship of you and your kid.
One quote that I really liked from Kohn said, "If you don't trust them, you go out of your way to control them". I find a lot of truth and validity to this statement. If you actually trust your kids, they will know that and control won't even be an issue.
Honestly, I feel bad for teenagers. No one knows where to place them in society. Not to mention it's some of the most awful times of your life, guaranteed. Teenagers are not children, but they're not adults. Adults keep telling them to grow up and act mature, and yet most of the time they won't allow them to do things that adults do. It's awful being a teenager. ... So when you have parents who monitor every move you make, or who jump on you, (verbally), every chance they get, it's hard not to form a wedge in that relationship. Parents might see compliance as a good thing, but when it only results from extreme punishment or intimidation, there is absolutely no way that the son or daughter will come to you for help willingly. Complete control, or authoritarian parenting, comes at a cost. Most parents don't realize that even when their kids do what they say, they aren't necessarily thinking what they think or seeing what they see.
Give your teenagers/kids more credit. Show some respect and they'll show it back. Treat them like an actual person and yet continue to guide them in the right direction.
“… kids who do what they’re told are likely to be those whose parents don’t rely on power and instead have developed a warm and secure relationship with them.” (pg. 51)
In terms of the gospel, our Heavenly Father allows us agency. We've been taught this since we were in primary. We can make good choices or we can make not-so-good choices. Controlling parents, aren't making their kids make ANY choices. God knows what's best for us and He is willing to let us make mistakes because the reality is, we can always come back to Him. As controlling parents, are we always willing to let our rebellious kids come back to us? As loving parents who respect and guide their kids, do we have our arms wide open for our kids to come back? - Always.
The idea, really, is that control is what every parent wants. Every parent wants to be able to control there kids to a point where they don't throw tantrums in the grocery store or where they say, "please" and "thank you" whenever necessary. This is not a bad thing to desire. The only problem, is at what price the control costs and what it takes away from the relationship of you and your kid.
One quote that I really liked from Kohn said, "If you don't trust them, you go out of your way to control them". I find a lot of truth and validity to this statement. If you actually trust your kids, they will know that and control won't even be an issue.
Honestly, I feel bad for teenagers. No one knows where to place them in society. Not to mention it's some of the most awful times of your life, guaranteed. Teenagers are not children, but they're not adults. Adults keep telling them to grow up and act mature, and yet most of the time they won't allow them to do things that adults do. It's awful being a teenager. ... So when you have parents who monitor every move you make, or who jump on you, (verbally), every chance they get, it's hard not to form a wedge in that relationship. Parents might see compliance as a good thing, but when it only results from extreme punishment or intimidation, there is absolutely no way that the son or daughter will come to you for help willingly. Complete control, or authoritarian parenting, comes at a cost. Most parents don't realize that even when their kids do what they say, they aren't necessarily thinking what they think or seeing what they see.
Give your teenagers/kids more credit. Show some respect and they'll show it back. Treat them like an actual person and yet continue to guide them in the right direction.
“… kids who do what they’re told are likely to be those whose parents don’t rely on power and instead have developed a warm and secure relationship with them.” (pg. 51)
In terms of the gospel, our Heavenly Father allows us agency. We've been taught this since we were in primary. We can make good choices or we can make not-so-good choices. Controlling parents, aren't making their kids make ANY choices. God knows what's best for us and He is willing to let us make mistakes because the reality is, we can always come back to Him. As controlling parents, are we always willing to let our rebellious kids come back to us? As loving parents who respect and guide their kids, do we have our arms wide open for our kids to come back? - Always.
Justice as Retribution (pg. 101)
"A lot of people believe that when any individual, even a small child, does something bad, then something bad should be done to that individual in return" (pg. 101). This is an AWFUL parenting technique. I'm hoping most parents don't share this philosophy. This kind of thinking is literally the thought process of a young kid. If a 5 year old gets hit by another, they will probably see fit to hit him right back. This should not happen in the adult world.
When adults use this technique, it makes love seem like it's something that should be earned. ... THIS IS NOT THE CASE. Love shouldn't have to be earned, especially for a child. A parent should never make a child go through this not only because of what it does to the child in the moment, but mostly because of the long-term effects.
Our Heavenly Father may reprimand His children, but He gives us warnings to heed as well. He also allows for natural consequences to happen. Honestly, we learn the best from natural consequence, so why is it that some parents can't see that?
When adults use this technique, it makes love seem like it's something that should be earned. ... THIS IS NOT THE CASE. Love shouldn't have to be earned, especially for a child. A parent should never make a child go through this not only because of what it does to the child in the moment, but mostly because of the long-term effects.
Our Heavenly Father may reprimand His children, but He gives us warnings to heed as well. He also allows for natural consequences to happen. Honestly, we learn the best from natural consequence, so why is it that some parents can't see that?
Put the Relationship First (pg. 123)
This really goes along well with what they other blogs say, but to me this is the most important one. This is something that is too often overlooked and pushed aside as an "I'll do it later" or "That's not the problem".
Most parents see their kids not necessarily as people but only as children. Yes, they are children, but they are also actual people who form opinions and make judgments just like the rest of us. They can tell when you're not being real with them. And if that's the case they learn by example that being fake is okay. ... They may not be adults, but who ever said adults were that credible? I honestly wish we were more like kids.
Parents often forget that the relationship between them and their child should be where their focus lies. This relationship gets strained when parents lose sight of their children's feelings and when pride becomes a bigger issue than the kid. They should want their kid to be able to trust them and to come to them in times of need. Not just be obedient when the time comes. Because often times, even when a child is obedient they can also be resentful and bitter.
In my little experience as a 'parent', I really do understand how easy it is to fall back on immediate punishments and not having the patience to listen to what they have to say. I've babysat more times than I can count and I've changed hundreds of diapers... but I still feel like I underestimate kids for the people they are. To me, often times they are just bratty kids who need some serious reprimanding. But most of the time there's an underlying issue and as a parent, your job is to fulfill that need, whatever it may be. It may be that the child is acting out because he or she hasn't been listened to at all. Maybe they feel insignificant. Maybe they just really need to get their point across. Whatever it is, find it, and then solve the issue with love and meet those needs of your kids. Sounds very cheesy, but that's just one of the many ways kids work, and that's one of the things they always respond to. Children need to be loved. Bottom line.
As children of God, we seek His love. When we are first discovering who He is exactly and who WE are... we come to him 'starting a relationship'. We try to understand Him and figure Him out before we are ready to come to the knowledge that He is our Heavenly Father.
Most parents see their kids not necessarily as people but only as children. Yes, they are children, but they are also actual people who form opinions and make judgments just like the rest of us. They can tell when you're not being real with them. And if that's the case they learn by example that being fake is okay. ... They may not be adults, but who ever said adults were that credible? I honestly wish we were more like kids.
Parents often forget that the relationship between them and their child should be where their focus lies. This relationship gets strained when parents lose sight of their children's feelings and when pride becomes a bigger issue than the kid. They should want their kid to be able to trust them and to come to them in times of need. Not just be obedient when the time comes. Because often times, even when a child is obedient they can also be resentful and bitter.
In my little experience as a 'parent', I really do understand how easy it is to fall back on immediate punishments and not having the patience to listen to what they have to say. I've babysat more times than I can count and I've changed hundreds of diapers... but I still feel like I underestimate kids for the people they are. To me, often times they are just bratty kids who need some serious reprimanding. But most of the time there's an underlying issue and as a parent, your job is to fulfill that need, whatever it may be. It may be that the child is acting out because he or she hasn't been listened to at all. Maybe they feel insignificant. Maybe they just really need to get their point across. Whatever it is, find it, and then solve the issue with love and meet those needs of your kids. Sounds very cheesy, but that's just one of the many ways kids work, and that's one of the things they always respond to. Children need to be loved. Bottom line.
As children of God, we seek His love. When we are first discovering who He is exactly and who WE are... we come to him 'starting a relationship'. We try to understand Him and figure Him out before we are ready to come to the knowledge that He is our Heavenly Father.
Don't Be in a Hurry (pg. 138)
Time is everything. We live our lives around when we can do things and how much time we have to do it etc. And when time isn't organized in any way, we get stressed, things don't turn out right and we aren't our best selves. Which is why I chose this topic from Kohn to discuss. Because in order to be good parents and raise good kids, you need to be 'your best self' in a sense.
I understand the difficulty in scheduling and finding the time to do what you need to, but I guess the real question here is, 'Where do your priorities lie?'. Are you willing to set aside more time for your kids? Is it even a possibility for you to go to their soccer games or help them with there homework? Everyone is rushed for time. Be different. And decide to take things slow. Because guaranteed this will help you become a better parent. Plus everyone will look at you in envy because you'll be happier and healthier, and they wish they knew why.
One quote I really liked from the book says, "Trying to rush a small child is a fool's errand. Therefore, it often makes sense to spend a little time now to save more time later". Or in other words, be smart by sorting out your time. Get your kids up earlier so it won't be so much of a hassle trying to get them ready. Not to mention you probably won't be in the best of moods if you're pressed for time. So of course you don't want to be the 'mean parent', and you hate it when you yell at the kids. But then you still are stubborn enough to not wake up earlier and fix the problem? I don't get it. And I mean, I'm the LAST person who should be chastising anyone on this subject because honestly, my record's not that clean. I'm a world class procrastinator. But I would hope that my kids would give me the courage to drop my pointless habits to better their lives as well as my own.
I understand the difficulty in scheduling and finding the time to do what you need to, but I guess the real question here is, 'Where do your priorities lie?'. Are you willing to set aside more time for your kids? Is it even a possibility for you to go to their soccer games or help them with there homework? Everyone is rushed for time. Be different. And decide to take things slow. Because guaranteed this will help you become a better parent. Plus everyone will look at you in envy because you'll be happier and healthier, and they wish they knew why.
One quote I really liked from the book says, "Trying to rush a small child is a fool's errand. Therefore, it often makes sense to spend a little time now to save more time later". Or in other words, be smart by sorting out your time. Get your kids up earlier so it won't be so much of a hassle trying to get them ready. Not to mention you probably won't be in the best of moods if you're pressed for time. So of course you don't want to be the 'mean parent', and you hate it when you yell at the kids. But then you still are stubborn enough to not wake up earlier and fix the problem? I don't get it. And I mean, I'm the LAST person who should be chastising anyone on this subject because honestly, my record's not that clean. I'm a world class procrastinator. But I would hope that my kids would give me the courage to drop my pointless habits to better their lives as well as my own.